ARRRGGGG

June 8

I am going to blog...I am going to do it. I promise...

Do you ever wish you could scream? I dont mean shreak or contain...just let all of the crud feeling inside...feelings of anger, rejection, pain...perhaps mostly unfounded, but there irregardless...out of you with everything in you until you fall over. Perhaps with your throat all ripped up?

I have some stupid squishy and easily permeable feelings these days...I asked someone for their msn because we're friendly with each other and that person gave me a "no" right out there. Now Im not disputing their right to say no, it is their msn and I have no problem with the fact that they took that right but for some reason it still hit me like a tonne of bricks. I'm so messed up these days that even something as small as that is like a slap in the face and "Stomach torture". The person didn't say sorry but no, didnt say I cant give it to you, didnt even say "F--- off I dont want to talk to you"...all they said was no and then seemed to giggle or something...I dunno. It just shocked me I guess...its so stupid.

Sometimes I can't stand SOMers...that is School Of Ministry people...more moodswings then a menopausal woman I'm telling you. Sometimes they want to hug everyone the next you feel like everything you do is hindering their ability to breath. Yes I know the same line "God is doing something with me" but if God is in there wouldn't they at least be a little considerate? We aren't all in SOM for crying out loud! Now this isn't true of all SOM people and I do appreciate how people feel when they go through issues...hell I need to go through some issues myself (As is apparent in this blog).

I think the root of this problem is insecurity and rejection and its eating me up. I've been rejected in every way I can think of but I don't know how to deal with it. Arrgg

Well Im sorry for typing so much..maybe thats why I don't blog because I dont know who will possibly read all my ramblings...Oh well...